9th Jan(could'nt think of a better title)

I was on a normal class. And it Mr. Kumar gives us a break for 5 mins. And between that time papa called. I was wondering why he called. And he ask me whether I am on a class and I replied yes. But who knows he called to tell me about my results from the previous semester. I understand from the beginning that the first and second semester wasn’t that good and for the record, it was really seriously bad. I admit that I have fun for like 80% and study for 20%. I can’t blame any other people than me. It was my fault. I should have listened to papa advice and not to get close to any relationship and now I am in big trouble. I have wasted almost 20,000 on papa’s money to study in Taylor’s and now that I got the chance and I didn’t grab on it hard enough.

He sounded very sad. I bet any father who saw his son result was as bad as mine they would sound the same as him. At that time I don’t know what more can I say. I try to told him that I was Sorry but I don’t know how to open my mouth. He was asking me to reconsider whether am I right for this course.

Since I was on high school. I’ve never really put effort on my studies. Not only that. No matter how much papa tell me about my future or other important stuff that is regarded bout my life, i just keep on nodded and tell him that I understand. At first I really do understand. But after a while, like a few weeks after I would completely forget about it. And after that I would continue flunking my studies.

At that particular time, I really wished I could tell out loud to papa, tell him to give me one more chance. One last chance. The golden ticket. If I dun get it this time then that really proved that I am not selected for the business field. But then the way he talks to me makes my tears just want to drop. I mean, I have no idea how sad he sounded. It is the first time I heard him talking like this. Makes me feel so guilty. Guilty of wasting his money on all the liquors, all the party, all the clubbing and all the promises I broke.

I still remember papa last sentence. It keep playing inside my mind until now. He says go and evaluate yourself. Think of what you have done and what u want to achieve in your life. This makes me feel so embarrassing. I suddenly realised that I haven’t really achieve what I wanted in my life. The more I think of it, the more guilty I felt. After some thought. I was considering whether should I go back on Chinese New Year and have dinner with them on the lunar Chinese New Year. I don’t have the guts to face my papa anymore. Well it has occurred many times. I don’t have the courage to talk to him and I just let it go.

Should I or shouldn’t I? I still couldn’t make up my mind. Actually I was trying my best starting this semester. But how can I tell him without scoring an A for investment? I mean how can I prove it to him that I was working very hard for it?

I don’t know how do I start. I mean I was working very hard for this new semester cause I was ready to change into a new me. But what papa said was right. I never changed since high school till now. After what I listened and after he close the phone on me. I don’t have the intention to study anymore. I mean for today particular class. I don’t know how to react after that incident. At the exact moment I really wished how I can’t not going back for Chinese New Year. I wanted to call Vincent and tell him all about it. But I know for sure that he will ask me to go back on CNY. But if I go back I don’t want to face papa. The main reason I am thinking like this is because I don’t know how to face him. Maybe I just stay here with Regina. Until I think I am worthy enough to go back?

Should I be thinking like that? Worthiness. Is that the right words to use? I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want to see papa so sad anymore. I mean at least he still got himself a good daughter and a handsome son right? What he need in me anyway? I am lazy, he is sad with me, I am fat. What more he needs in me? I really wish that someone is right by my side talking to me about all my problem but I can’t find one appropriate person to talk to. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about Lui at this time cause I should let her go. But I really wished that she is here and I can talk to her about everything. At least there is someone is here for me right? I don’t want to say anything anymore. Signed off.=(